Four Secrets for Teaching Your Child to Behave

Recently I came across an article by Kevin Leman that I thought would be of some interest to friends and family members with children.

There are some "secrets" you need to know to help you teach your child how to behave appropriately. If you could choose one person to help you raise your kids, who would it be? A nanny, friend, or an expert child psychologist, Dr. Kevin Leman, who has over four decades of experience helping parents raise their kids?
But before you read on to deal with these specific childhood behavioral problems, here are several things to keep in mind from Dr. Leman about doling out discipline.

Remember that your child wants to please you
In the same way, sometimes it may seem that your kids only want to drive you nuts. But in reality, they love you and want to please you more than you think. This is important to keep in mind as you discipline them.

In his book, Dr. Leman says that you don't need to have a Ph.D. or a lot of money to be a good parent. Instead, he says, "You have all you need. You know the biggest secret of all: Your child wants to please you. She can’t stand it when she knows you are unhappy with her. She wants to know you are a team."

Nurture this desire your child has to please you by loving her well. Then, discipline will be much easier for both of you and your child will respond more positively to the creative discipline techniques Dr. Leman provides.

Don't make mountains out of molehills.
Something I always say when raising kids choose your battles. For example, drug use is a mountain, the color of hair is a molehill. Sadly, many parents make mountains out of things that should have remained as molehills.

This same principle applies to disciplining children. Many parents with a desire to make sure everything is perfect with their kids make mountains out of molehills, which make life tedious and exhausting.

For this reason, in his book, Dr. Leman emphasizes that it's important for parents to decide which issues are behavioral mountains and which are behavioral molehills. Defining these mountains and molehills will guide you in which battles to fight with your kids and which to let go.

Don’t be a "Slap-it-together" parent
I think we all have someone in our lives that if something was broken they would slap together something using duct tape and some left over pieces and parts that they found in their garage. If they had to build a shelf for their workshop, they would "slap up" a few crooked boards with a few old nails and "viola!" they were done.

They rarely have a solid plan on how to fix anything.
When it comes to parenting, moms and dads can't be like that "slap it together parent" . Instead, they need to have a plan to deal with discipline and behavioral problems.

After all, every winning football team has a plan to deal with trouble; every winning business has a plan to deal with upcoming challenges; and every winning couple has a plan to deal with relational issues. So it's not surprising that all winning parents need a parenting plan. That's what this module is all about — it's about having a plan, and it's also what Dr. Leman's book, Have a New Kid by Friday can do for you. The results will amaze and delight you. For this reason, I invite you to read on.


Ages 0-3
During these years, potty training can be the cause of much frustration. Remember to use encouragement and praise as part of the process. Build a sense of responsibility so the child wants to learn this important step in growing up. And set standards they can understand, like taking away privileges if they don't pay attention to their needs, and they wet their pants.Ages

Ages 4-7
Sometimes you'll face problems with picky eaters in this age group. Just make sure to provide healthy food (not sugary snacks, that will spoil them!), and let them make their own choices about whether they're going to eat or not. If they don't feel hungry, forcing them isn't the answer. But if they choose not to eat what you give them, they don't eat.


Ages 8-12
Many problems during this period relate to wardrobe. Before making a big deal of how your child is dressed, make sure you know what you really feel is a problem, so you'll know what's not so much of a big deal.


Ages 13-18
In the teen years, you'll face lots of challenges as a parent. You need to figure out early what's a big deal and what's not. You'll deal with talking back differently from just their rolling their eyes. Smoking, though, and other dangerous behaviors, is always a big deal.



I hope this helps. Please leave comments and tell me what you think.

Marriage: Do you fight fair or do you fight to win?

In the early years of my marriage for me it was about winning, I would fight to the end with any means necessary, like character assassination and bringing up things that happen in the past. I really felt the need to protect myself. I soon learn that it wasn't about the winning, but about being shamed and embarrassed. Being exposed as a weak person. God truly had to work in me and open my eyes to what I was doing. This my friends has been and still is a long and grueling process. I call it a journey, because I am constantly learning and allowing God to shape and mold me into who he wants me to be. In the words of Dr. Phil you have to ask yourself if you would rather be happy or be right. Well I chose to be happy, but sometimes the spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. As you can see, I am still growing. I'm taking one day at a time.

How you argue — especially how you end an argument — can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship. A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)"Disagreements are going to occur,"

The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You'll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition, that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It's not a competition, it's a partnership.

"Here are some rules for fighting fair:

Take it private and keep it private. DO NOT FIGHT in front of your children. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.

Keep it relevant. Don't bring up old grudges when they don't belong in a particular argument. Make sure you have boundaries around the subject you are fighting about ,so that the fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.

Keep it real. Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Don't put a band-aid on it. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.

Avoid character assassination. Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your spouse personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

Remain task-oriented. Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.

Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

Keep your intensity in check. Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.
There's a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.

Last but not least, don't go to bed angry. Christ says don't let the sun go down on your anger.

I hope these rules help when fighting. Like I said it's a journey. Let me hear your comments.

To Eat or Not to Eat...Is that the Question?

I recently got in touch with a long time childhood friend ( through http://classmates.com/ ) whom I love dearly. I remember why we were such good friends, she has such a great sense of humor. I received the following email from her:

The weekend has been a very – long and physically painful one… All self inflicted wounds… The kind you can only confess to a friend…
... If you only knew what I did!!!! I was a bad girl.
I am recovering from it... And I am now a witness to “Gluttony” being a sin, literally.

I don’t know what came over me? I started my Saturday morning with a healthy breakfast... an egg... toast with the last bit of peach preserves... a cup of green tea... fried tofu... I felt good for defeating my need for breakfast meat… turkey bacon… I wanted it…But I did'nt do it… We all ate healthy... (I always skip breakfast so this was a treat to eat and with everyone)

After everyone left the house...I began my early morning - every day choirs... And since Kanty was going to the market, after his hair cut. I, of course decided to clean the refrigerator.

(I keep forgetting that I ate about 8 M&M's w/ peanuts while watching
Saturday morning cartoons with Tierra)

In the frig… I found (2 days old) a single portion of my yummy Mac &cheese and a bowl of my famous sautéed cabbage... And again… I thought because there was no meat. It will be okay.

I turned the music up and cleaned, swept and mopped… I was ready to relax.
And I didn't have to make lunch for Tierra. She was over at the neighbors playing...

I almost forgot I also found a piece of cornbread AND I had 2 small pieces of fried tofu (I added hot sauce to them... and I grubbed...It tasted like a meal that you had to go some where and pay for. It was yummy!

I relaxed a little browsing the many cable channels. The phone rang. Tierra called to tells me, she had something to bring me. The neighbors ordered take out and brought me half of a cheese steak! And potato chips…

Okay I know I should have first explained this to you… I keep my cabinets bare and with just what we eat and need. I do buy snacks... . I buy yogurt instead of pudding... I buy carrots for Tierra because she can eat them like I eat potato chips… I cook everything (Just about). I do order out occasionally for pizza… But for the most of it… I have a healthy looking frig… But we still seem to be pushing a few extra pounds. So I am noticing in my new family that if the frig is full some folks just like to cook and eat. Me included. So we chill on over buying and trying out a lot of new stuff that we just push aside in the cabinets….

Back to the cheese steak… Okay my ration on this was it would be my first serving of meat for the day… And I don’t care where I am in life – I am never giving up potato chips… Need I say more?

I was thankful to God… I thank God for the blessing of a free meal. How many of them really come? When you feed someone you always get extra blessings. So I wanted Jen to get her blessing, so I ate the food and watched a movie…. I assumed Kanty would eat something to kill his worms, while he was out.

Now this is where the real punishment came in… He brought me home McDonalds… (Now I could have stopped him but I didn’t)…. I even have my own McDonalds rules... I only eat the dollar menu size French fries…fish sandwich… apple pies… Carmel Sundae w/nuts… No other meat products – NO BURGERS...

And when he came home with a chicken sandwich? I knew that was a sign… I was about to reject it, but caught up in the movie and I ate it… along with the fries and darn it the Carmel Sundae. I chalked it up as a bad Sunday morning in the bathroom.

The pain was so bad it woke me up a little after midnight… Then the boat started rocking and nothing but pain was happening… My selfishness couldn’t understand why the pain couldn’t wake until I woke up. I tried taking everything that could relieve me… But nothing could help…

In between wanting to cry… I did a lot of laughing and cursing myself out. I never confessed to Kanty what I ate. He still to this day swears I was food poison by McDonalds… I will stick to that story…

Especially since I had him up and at the pharmacy in the wee hours for pepto… He was calling hospitals and I was telling him to hang up… I knew what was in me had to hurry up and pass… But the pain kept me moving from room to room… Curling up and walking the floors with the worst case of stomach cramps. He thought it was my kidneys or something… I told him about the cabbage after he recapped what I ate that day. I told him the cabbage and Ice- cream must not have liked each other.

We finally fell asleep about 3:30 AM… I don’t remember Sunday – it was all so painfully fuzzy… I was in too much pain waiting for the change to come… Well it didn’t come until Monday morning… And here it is Tuesday afternoon… I’m still recovering… and scared to eat. So I am on a green tea detox and behaving.


Now I know you don't believe this is true but if you knew my friend you would. I could probably use this for a book or short story..Hmmmmm

Tell me what you think...post your comments