Marriage: Do you fight fair or do you fight to win?

In the early years of my marriage for me it was about winning, I would fight to the end with any means necessary, like character assassination and bringing up things that happen in the past. I really felt the need to protect myself. I soon learn that it wasn't about the winning, but about being shamed and embarrassed. Being exposed as a weak person. God truly had to work in me and open my eyes to what I was doing. This my friends has been and still is a long and grueling process. I call it a journey, because I am constantly learning and allowing God to shape and mold me into who he wants me to be. In the words of Dr. Phil you have to ask yourself if you would rather be happy or be right. Well I chose to be happy, but sometimes the spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. As you can see, I am still growing. I'm taking one day at a time.

How you argue — especially how you end an argument — can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship. A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)"Disagreements are going to occur,"

The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You'll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition, that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It's not a competition, it's a partnership.

"Here are some rules for fighting fair:

Take it private and keep it private. DO NOT FIGHT in front of your children. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.

Keep it relevant. Don't bring up old grudges when they don't belong in a particular argument. Make sure you have boundaries around the subject you are fighting about ,so that the fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.

Keep it real. Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Don't put a band-aid on it. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.

Avoid character assassination. Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your spouse personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

Remain task-oriented. Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.

Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

Keep your intensity in check. Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.
There's a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.

Last but not least, don't go to bed angry. Christ says don't let the sun go down on your anger.

I hope these rules help when fighting. Like I said it's a journey. Let me hear your comments.